Not Afraid of Bees

Some words of wisdom on the eve of that wide-eyed little babe’s 40th birthday:

1. PIVOT!

Most of navigating life is about adjusting your priorities as needed. Deciding something isn’t working for you doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Knowing when to throw in the towel or focus your attention elsewhere is a form of success.

2. Progress not perfection

It’s a cliché for a reason. All-or-nothing thinking is many a wonderful person’s downfall (hi). Baby steps are your friend. Most change that sticks happens incrementally. 

3. You can leave

Yes, sometimes we have true obligations, but for the most part, you don’t have to stay at functions/social gatherings/anything until the end. You’re allowed to leave. And generally, no one cares (in the good way).

4. We should talk about platonic love more

Romantic love is important, but so is nurturing platonic love; and you tend to have more of it in your lifetime. I couldn’t have gotten through this difficult decade without the abundance of platonic bonds and love I have.

5. Take as many selfies as you want

Sexy, silly, just because. Clothed, unclothed. When you’re feeling good, capture it.

6. Grief isn’t only over death

Any loss can form grief. I never thought about grief outside of death until I was in trauma recovery. Learning that a lot of the anger and sadness I was holding onto was a form of grief helped me process much faster and practice better patience with myself.

7. Knowledge is power

Learn about your body and your brain. Understanding the science behind what’s going on with you? GAME. CHANGER. Sometimes taking the emotion out of things helps you work through the emotions more easily. (That sounds like a Yogi Berra quote, but I swear it makes sense.)

8. It’s amazing what mascara can do

Feeling like crap? Throw on some mascara (or a cute pair of underwear, or your favorite shirt, or a fun piece of jewelry, etc.); will it solve everything? No. But it’ll add a little pep in your step cause it’s a little something just for you.

9. There’s nothing guilty about pleasure

I’ve removed the phrase “guilty pleasure” from my vocabulary. The world is a hot mess. Being a person is hard. If it brings you joy and it’s not hurting anyone, who gives a fuck. Lean into it, babe.

10. Dance it out

Throw on some pop bops and get moving. It’s good for your body and good for your brain.

11. Skincare…invest in it

Taking care of your skin is part of taking care of your health. You don’t have to invest a lot, but finding a routine that works for you will serve you well. At the very least, you gotta wear your sunscreen.

12. Stay open

You’re never too old for new passions, friends, careers. Connection and stimulation are critical for survival. 

13. Have friends of all ages

One of the best parts of hitting middle age is having friends 10+ years older and younger. You can learn from all of them. Women, this one is especially for you.

14. Find value in the ephemeral

Just because something doesn’t endure the test of time (relationships, passions, jobs, locations) doesn’t mean it’s not of value. Most things in life aren’t forever; you’re always allowed to keep the good stuff, memories, and lessons, no matter when or why something ends. 

15. Tell people you love them and why

We should all love more loudly and intentionally. Find ways to let people know what they bring to your life. When a song (or book, or movie) makes you think of someone, let them know. No one feels bad hearing it. You will regret not saying it.

16. It’s okay to not like everyone

My people pleasers…you’re not everyone’s cup of tea; not everyone is your cup of tea. There doesn’t need to be some big bad reason. Don’t be a dick about it, but don’t give them more energy than necessary; reserve it for the people who are for you.

17. Make your house a home

Cover your walls with art; with things that bring you happiness, inspiration, whimsy. Cover your fridge in memories and birthday cards. Put your favorite mugs and books on display. 

18. Your trauma doesn’t define you

The worst things that have happened to you have nothing to do with your worth. Nothing. To. Do. With. Your. Worth.

19. The concept of an adult is made up

We are all just grown children making it up as we go. You never have to stop being silly & whimsical if you don’t want to. Just pay your bills, don’t be a dick (yeah, I said it twice), and drink responsibly. That does mean this entire list could be nonsense.

20. “But trust me on the sunscreen.”*

*From the essay by Mary Schmich written for the Chicago Tribune, you can read it in full here: Wear Sunscreen